A History of the Sky Pirates

Sky Pirates

Greeblings Earthpod!

My name is Gematria, MISSION SPECIALIST aboard the famed 08.ZIYA; an intergalactic wooden space vessel owned and operated by none other than the notorious SKY PIRATES!

The Sky Pirates are said by some to be no more than mythologized refractions from old children’s fables. Still others will swear that the Sky Pirates of the Oily Colour PileNebulae are very, very real, and to this day continue to battle the High Weasel and his great Corprat minions throughout the Redshift 4.26 quadrant.

At any rate, the Sky Pirates have formed an alliance with Terra Firma’s Constant Change in order to spread the word that ‘culture is not a luxury, it is a neccesity’ and that the Corprat Empyre is far from being overturned.

The following is an excerpt from the Sky Pirate History by Redshift 4.26.
You may find it varies in the extreme from Goombaboy’s Sky Pirate Chronicles.

Redshift 4.26’s:

A History of the Sky Pirates

ONE is infinite. Before one there naught and all that succeds it is but its finite subdivisions They were players in the light of the infinite ONE, and ONE was what they played in. The Path to and from the ONE could be simple and direct or it could be fraught with convolusions and divergences. But it all came back to and arrived at ONE.

In the year 3014 the Robot Pride DayTM Uprisings, led by the infamous Central Post-Com deserter Darla, pressured the high leige, his excellency the Great Walla Walla I to personally redeploy the finest Trans-Dimensional mercenaries in the Rift, loosely, and perpetually at his service, to investigate invisibly, the goings on at Station Lullaby Cabaret on planet Natureworld and amass exhaustive documentation on the source of the unease there.

It is has been told in legend, that there is no name more sobering than the utterance Sky Pirate; an ancient band of renegade transmutational beings, who although acutely pacifistic and philanthropic, were feared throughout the Spectrum for their resilience and resourcefulness. But that is legend, and since, it has become word that the Sky Pirates exist only by way of it. The fall of the Great Sky Pirate Galleons is documented at length in Goombaboy’s reknowned Chronicles “The Legend of the Sky Pirates Volumes 1 – 709” and Redshift 4.26’ “The Sky Pirate Chronicles”. It is also said that old Goombaboy himself is a real, honest to Walla Sky Pirate, who has outlived his notorious herd, but that is another story that shall be told another time.

And yet, the Great Walla Walla’s legion of Grand Dukes cunningly ‘leaked’ throughout the Oily Colour Pile Nebulae rumours that their leige had enlisted the aid of a rare Sky Pirate Special Investigations Unit to ‘patrol’ the Nebulii. This of course send tremors running throughout the entire Rift, the likes of which had not been experienced since the Ancient Wars of Distatallia, or the Unseating of Duchess Antharia from Echela 4 – the small moon orbiting planet Slotho – which has since become a romantic getaway for the flamboyant eccentrics of the Horsehead Nebula.

The rumours, though presumably rapidly warped beyond any reasonable credibility, claimed that SIU was actually the original Sky Pirate Galleon the 08.ZIYA of the numbered series fleet, and went even further to cite that it was commanded by none other than Gematria “one of, if not THE original Sky Pirate”. Which in iself is preposterous, as after reading the Encyclopedia Wallanica one quickly deduces that Gematria was in fact saved by a band of Sky Pirate surgeons who performed on it, Gematria that is, the first successful Wooden Skeleton transplant. It is important to note that all Sky Pirate technology is based on wood and wood fiber materials.

Also rumoured to be on the 08.ZIYA were, remarkably, ShyOne – perhaps the most brilliant Engineer of the last three millenia, Branwyan, the top ranking Womyn-at-Arms in the Spectrum, and spac3boy, the prodigy systems specialist made famous by his massive achievements at the an0maly summits which took place from 2798 – 2999. They were grandiose proclamations, and yet, they were said to have come from the Great Walla himself. And so here I find myself in this most precarious of paradigms, trying to recreate and perhaps make sense of what really happened, perhaps with the hope that we can find a way out of the grave dangers we face. I ask reader, that you suspend your rational belief system for a moment, and join me in the following suppositions, which may be fundamental in understanding how things could have turned out the way they have:

  • I) Sky Pirates exist
  • II) The Sky Pirates never died out
  • III) The Sky Pirates are immortal
  • IV) You can’t believe everything you overhear at Station Wetsex from Torren the III, Esquire

Given that you can take such demanding leaps of faith, lets go on to propose that there were far more beings involved in the Robot Pride Day Uprisings than we could have ever imagined, and that Darla may or may not have existed in fact. Perhaps Darla was a group of androids, or even multi-dimensional beings. Or perhaps, Darla was a philosophical movement. Was Darla an encryption method for a volatile resource? One begins to realize that there are many more questions to be asked before one can accept any answers. In order to facilitate this massive undertaking, I propose we realign ourselves to think in the first person, and put ourselves in the proper context of that pivotal historical flash that we may begin to better understand the thinking that lead to such cataclysmic results.


Gematria is awakened from a long cryo-static dream by the sound of a long out of use Summoner attached to its third-left tentacle. It tunes in to the complex system of vibrations being transmitted and realizes it an urgent message from a Grand Duke in the service of the Great One. It wanders down the long corridor leading from the Spindly Cryonic Suspension Chamber, to the Lounge, scratching an eye, and flicks on the Hurlz’ Eatery Dispenser Stimulant Maker before pacing drearily onto the Bridge. The Summoner, still looping its transmission is slipped into the patented Trans- Decoder and the prynout is relayed to the Trans-Mon, a huge silverized screen where most resource is displayed for the crew of the Ship. That is, when there is a crew.

Gematria pulls up a swivel chair and plops itself down, noting that the hurlz’ Dispenser Stimulant Maker is dinging that its ready back in the Lounge. The Trans-Mon flickers to life, and a slightly corrupted image flashes erratically across the massive screen. It is indeed, a High Duke, wearing its typical ornate silver lace, and looking very stressed out.

“~…and on behalf of the Order of the Great One, Walla Walla, your unavoidable participation in this most treacherous and enigmatic undertaking is devoutly appreciated~”

Gematria swivels over to the lounge to pick up its steaming bowl of Stim while waiting for the transmission to refresh to the beginning.

“~This is an urgent telegram relayed using encryption method ‘4.26-7.91-ClarkRake’ in the year 3001 from NatureWorld, in the Oily Colour Pile Nebulae, to the current Captain of Sky Pirate vessel 08.ZIYA, whose status is Cryonic-Suspension non-temporal, skirting the Trans-Dimensional R-…-ift~”

Gematria sips slowly at the oozing Stim as it begins to cool a little…

“~NatureWorld is in grave danger. A renegade band of Central Post-Com workers has turned the peaceful bi-centennial Robot Pride March into a recruiting platform for an army of robots whose formidabilty is a match for any Atropian Front Line, in an attempt to overthrow the Grand Church of the the Path and proclaim solidarity. The Robot Pride DayTM Uprising, as it is now being referred to has become a bloodbath leaving thousands homeless, and three Arch-Dukes buried in the Rift. We are in the process of enlisting the finest beings in the Rift to infiltrate the inner circle of this nefarious rebel force and effectively put an end to it before it is too late. It is known throughout the Spectrum that the Sky Pirates are undoubtedly the only ones fit for such an undertaking, and furthermore they have the advantage of being veiled in folklore and legend. In the year 3001 no one really believes you exist. Not even a large percentage of the Order itself. We are taking a chance in relaying this transmission across time, in the small hope that you will take on the task of invisibly penetrating the inner ranks of the Darla colony – ah yes, Darla is the leader of the uprising – and amassing as much resource as you can before submitting it to the proper authorities. It is of the utmost importance that you are not discovered! Please confirm your reception of this transmission immediately upon decoding it. Then destroy it. – fgkjhdsf – ~…and on behalf of the Order of the Great One, Walla Walla, your unavoidable participation in this most treacherous and enigmatic undertaking is devoutly apprecia-~”

Gematria sighs, removing the prynout from the Sum-Decoder and tosses it into a nearby macromet waste-bin. It then stretches its tentacles hard and yawns deeply before wandering back to its private chambers to take a little nap.

As it enters its private quarters it mumbles to itself about the audacity of the High Dukes, ordering any Sky Pirate to do anything. It rolls into its cocoon, drawing its feathered tentacles around itself tightly and succumbs to a new dream.

It is cruising in an Anti-Grav Stetho-Pod over vast blackened fields freckled with tiny sparkling lights which fluctuate between aqua and mahogany. In the distance and approaching at a rapid pace is the glow from a massive architectural anomaly. As the Stetho-Pod closes in on the structure, beams of serpentine light can be seen to be propelling from a huge mechanical spincter undulating atop the structure at a rhythmic frequency.

Gem is startled into consciousness with the words “Chemical Light Factory” emblazoned across the ethereal window of its frontal lobe. It abruptly turns to its Summoner, the dream apparently having dissolved any irritation at the Walla’s prior presumptuousness, and encodes an array of urgent Summons to a variety of long unseen allies…

Several quadrants and a parsec later, Gematria feels the Summoner pulsing again at its waist as it sprawls amidst the plush velvet cushions of the Lounge. It quickly comes to attention and hurries the Summoner over to the Decoder. Before long, it establishes a real-time link up with ShyOne, an old Arcutrian engineer whom it befriended several decades back while visiting an ex on Echela 4. “S1!” Gematria beams at the apparition of its old friend “I am so happy that you could respond so promptly. How I have missed you!” ShyOne smiles back warmly.

“To what do I owe this foreign pleasure old Gematria?” asks ShyOne through a haze of Trans- Lag, at which point Gematria, the old Sky Pirate Captain responds by bringing ShyOne up to date in regards to the Great Walla Walla’s demands. Before long they decide to meet at Asteroid V.134-7.91 where ShyOne will board the 08.ZIYA and embark with Gem on what will turn out to be perhaps the most intriguing and infamous mission of their careers.

And that is no small feat.

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